Dear Frowny Parents of the Playground,
My daughter has dyspraxia. Along with many, many other symptoms it means that she is clumsy, uncoordinated and often socially awkward.
Yes, it would be so much better if she could approach your child at the start of the school day with a “Hi X! How are you today?” But she likes to hug. I know not everyone likes to hug or receive a hug, but she just happens to be a hugger. She doesn’t just hug anyone; she hugs people she likes or that she wants to develop a friendship with. Of all the kids in the playground, she picked your child to hug! You should really be honoured. You’re doing such a great job at parenting that you have a great kid who my daughter wants to be, or remain, friends with. Good job!
However, your skills as a caring human being are lacking a little. Why frown when my child awkwardly approaches and just smiles because she can’t think of anything to say? Why not say, “Hello X! Looking forward to swimming today?” You have social skills. You can do this. You can help to make her feel less awkward. She’ll reply, and she’ll reply in a friendly way because that’s the girl she is. She just doesn’t know how to start a conversation.
Dyspraxia means that she lacks the ability to read non-verbal signs of communication and that’s all it is. In other words, she doesn’t know or notice that you’re frowning at her because you think she’s strange. She doesn’t understand or notice that some children aren’t comfortable with being hugged.
You have no idea of the struggles she has to face on a daily basis. If you knew then I’m sure you’d be nicer. Tomorrow she is going in to hospital. She’s been anxious about this (hello, to another dyspraxia symptom: anxiety) and hasn’t been sleeping well this week. Yet she got her shoes on (with help), picked up her skipping rope (that she can use after 1000 hours more practice than anyone else her age) and smiled her way to school (where she finds pretty much every subject a challenge). And yet, she greeted your child with a smile and a hug this morning. What an achievement! But all you could do was frown.
I’m sorry she lacks the social skills that would make you feel more comfortable. Believe me, I’m more sorry than anyone. I have to figure out how to help her through this dyspraxia maze for the rest of her life. But she’s nine, she lacks social skills, and to be honest I don’t think that’s a big deal compared to the bigger picture.
So I’m sorry, but you’re just going to have to feel awkward for a bit longer. And while you’re frowning, I will smile that I have such an amazing daughter who is more loving, caring, brave, and happy than any other kid in that playground.
Yours,
A Proud, But Frustrated, Mum
Dear Reader, I double triple promise to write a positive article on how to deal with the prickly issue of social skills and dyspraxia. I have some ideas, but if you have any too, then I’d love to hear from you. Send a message using the envelope ‘contact us’ icon at the top of the page if you don’t feel comfortable posting a comment below. Thank you 🙂
But in the meantime, then check out these articles on understood.org that all cover social skills in our kids:
Images:
“Go ahead, jump!” by Robert S. Donovan from Anderson, SC, USA – Go ahead, jump!Uploaded by Partyzan_XXI. Licensed under CC BY 2.0 via Wikimedia Commons – https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Go_ahead,_jump!.jpg#/media/File:Go_ahead,_jump!.jpg
I wouldn’t say dyspraxia causes poor social skills, those sound like additional autistic spectrum traits (she may not necessarily fulfil full diagnostic criteria for autism). Similarly dyspraxia and anxiety. Anxiety isn’t a dyspraxia symptom. Being unable to interpret and process the world and having difficulties with everyday tasks (as a result of dyspraxia) can make a person more prone to anxiety.
Hi Ilona. You may be right about the cause of the anxiety–that would certainly make sense–but it’s still a trait of dyspraxia. I’ll have to disagree with you on the subject of social skills though as this is definitely a symptom of dyspraxia. It is very well documented, and I live with it everyday. https://www.senmagazine.co.uk/articles/articles/senarticles/dyspraxia-a-moving-challenge
Dyspraxia is so much more than motor skills, although there are certainly degrees of dyspraxia, so the social skills side won’t affect everybody in the same way. My daughter has dyspraxia, she does not have ASD traits.
Here are a stack more links proving the social skills problems as symptoms of dyspraxia. I could quote plenty more too:
https://www.dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/dyspraxia-children/secondary-school-age/
https://www.dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/dyspraxia-children/
https://www.understood.org/en/learning-attention-issues/child-learning-disabilities/dyspraxia/6-ways-dyspraxia-can-affect-your-childs-social-life
http://www.ldonline.org/article/14616/
https://www.goodschoolsguide.co.uk/special-educational-needs/types/helping-a-dyspraxic-child
http://www.dyspraxiausa.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/DyspraxiaUSADOEPresentation-4-2-4.pdf
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/3354324/Dyspraxia-clumsy-but-clever.html
http://www.optimus-education.com/helping-children-dyspraxia-fulfil-their-potential
http://www.webmd.boots.com/children/guide/dyspraxia
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/dyspraxia-in-adults/Pages/Introduction.aspx
Hi Wendy
My son is 8 and I’ve found that explaining personal space to him is working quite well. We talked about spinning around with your arms wide and that’s how close you should get to other people unless they invite you to get closer. And how close you need to hold something in front of someone’s face so they can see it (he has zero depth perception!).
Having said that, he does hug his friends and they don’t mind. Their parents do sometimes but that’s their problem frankly!
Thanks for this site – I wish you great success with it.
Hi Sarah. What a lovely comment–thank you so much! I love the idea of how to explain personal space, and I am definitely going to use that one 🙂 And you are completely correct about the parents attitudes. I found myself thinking that very same thing later on the day that I wrote this article. “Why am I worrying about everybody?” It’s not my job to worry about the other kids AND their parents. Most of her friends don’t mind either, and often will come up and hug her too. I will definitely try the arms wide approach though, that’s a good idea. Thanks again 🙂
Oh Sarah and Wendy, your children sound just like my six year old! Thank you so much for writing this- I have felt so alone as a parent, not knowing any other parents of children with dyspraxia (it is not early as well known in the U.S., where we live now). Obviously it’s not well known enough in the UK, either, though,since so many people still don’t understand.
And “Dr.” Ilona Singer, I do hope you will read some of the sources that Wendy provided you with; while there are some overlaps between symptoms of dyspraxia and ASD (and some children with ASD are dyspraxic as well), poor social skills and anxiety (often caused or exacerbated by the poor social skills) are absolutely symptoms of dyspraxia independent of ASD. (My child has seen top neurologists at a world renowned children’s hospital and has identical symptoms to the ones Wendy described her daughter having; I trust those diagnoses far more than that of an anonymous internet “doctor” posting an unsolicited opinion on an Internet blog. If you are, in fact, a “real” doctor, you would do well to reconsider your oath before posting on the Internet.
Thank you so much Katherine! This is my favourite comment of the month :). Unfortunately not much is widely known about dyspraxia among the general UK population, which is a big problem, some days more than others.
And I agree with you about the doctor’s comments too. Very damaging to make a diagnosis on the basis of one blog post and never having met my daughter. I think I’d rather be guided by the professionals who have met her. Thanks again for the support, and taking the time to comment. There are days where we do feel isolated and alone but always remember that you aren’t :).
Thanks you, reading your post and blog have made me feel so much less alone!!! I have an 8 year old daughter with Dyspraxia and right now, things are tough. Thank you! X
You are definitely not alone, and I’m glad I could help. For some reason, when my daughter was 8 that was probably the hardest year too. I promise you that although there will always be challenges, things do get better. xx
We are going through exactly the same thing – our six year old is absolutely lovely, kind , funny and adorable – however, she has poor coordination, can’t write , struggles in noisy environments and is much better in small group.. She has just been diagnosed with severe dyspraxia . We are going through the stress of an ASD assessment but she has incredible empathy and I’m sure her diagnosis is dyspraxia ….love all the resources on this site to finally get some help!
Thank you Susie. It makes me so happy when I hear that others are finding the site helpful. My daughter has never been assessed for ASD, although there is a definite overlap with most neurodiverse conditions. I can empathise with the stress you are going through. What you describe is exactly how my daughter was at that age–oh the noise! She still puts her hands over her ears if something is just too noisy for her. Sending you virtual hugs 🙂
Wow! What a great website! My daughter is now 10 and was only diagnosed with dyspraxia about a year or so ago. Although I diagnosed her much sooner! She has also had ASD assessments and was just under the criteria for an autistic diagnosis. But it is interesting that someone else mentions their child has empathy towards others as my daughter appears to. However it has been suggested she mimics behaviours because that’s what girls with autism do. That’s why they are hard to diagnose. I hope that my daughter’s empathy isn’t mimicked.
My daughter is two years behind at school. I worry greatly when she is due to start secondary school next September. The school have said she won’t meet the criteria for an EHCP. But I really worry that she won’t get any extra support without one. My daughter is easily distracted and does better in small groups if not one to one. My daughter is my first child and so I’m finding all this rather difficult.
I apologise if I have gone off on a tangent but its refreshing to find a great site that is useful and informative.
Hello Emma. I’m so glad you’ve found the site helpful. That makes me really happy 🙂 So much of what you say sounds familiar. My daughter is soon to be 10 and we’re still pursuing the EHCP thing even though some people say we won’t get one, others think she definitely will. It’s such a minefield! But, this might make you feel better. My daughter didn’t used to be empathetic at all, but I think she’s got better with age. I don’t think it’s mimicking though, I just think it’s one of those things that take dyspraxics longer to get a hold of. Most things they do in the end, it just takes them longer. 🙂
I absolutely adore that so many of our dyspraxic kids seem to be huggers. I know there is a ‘proprioceptive’ basis, but I prefer to focus on how affectionate they all are, and how much they truly just enjoy hugging people. My 10 year old son hugs every teacher he’s had since K5 when he walks in the school each morning. He stops by to see them and ask how they are doing, and he is the first child in the class to realize if someone else is feeling poorly or is upset. Let others say what they like about the struggles our children face in dealing with the world physically, I still think we are truly blessed to have children so in tune with what the world needs emotionally.
Thanks so much for this site, it is quickly becoming a wonderful resource for our family!
I agree!! Most of my daughter’s classmates and teachers just see her as a hugger, and I’m sure they love it. It’s nice we’re raising happy huggy humans 🙂
This was really interesting to read. My son and I are both autistic. I have heard of dyspraxia but not read a great deal about it before. The overlap in the neuro diverse conditions has amazed me though! My son has every single symptom listed in one of the links you provided from birth into secondary school aside from the fact that he liked dressing up and enjoyed imaginary play. I had most of the symptoms too! I still bang into door frames every single day because I can’t navigate my way through them and I’m 38. lol. All of our symptoms have just been put down to autism though and I’m now wondering how they tell the difference when every trait listed is also considered to be an autistic trait. Our neurodiversity is fascinating stuff!
It really is! I wouldn’t have said that every dyspraxia trait is considered an autistic trait but there’s certainly an overlap. Dyspraxia is primarily coordination issues but there’s more to it than that, which is one reason I wrote this. Whatever label it is, we’re neurodiverse and fabulous 🙂 Thank you for taking the time to comment.
Thanks for your reply. It’s really made me curious as when I was diagnosed the doctor said that my social experience and social skills are not at all typical for an autistic person and I’m now wondering whether it’s more likely that I have dyspraxia but that it isn’t well known about particularly in adults. I’ve always known I wasn’t a typical person but I’m not typically autistic either. I’m glad that you have some clarity with your daughter and will be able to support her.
That’s exactly how I feel too! Kind of awkward and not like a typical person but not fitting an ASD diagnosis.
Hi my 6yr old son has dispraxia, and was diagnosied at xmas, his speech was not great and due to this we kept him back from school for a further year when he eventually started school it was a nightmare he couldnt cope and started lashing out and be disruptive And everyday i dreaded picking him up as i didnt know what i was going to have to face as things were steadily getting worse d his social skillls are not great, we go to a therapjst how advises us on specific exercise to help him, tbankfully he now has additional support in the classroom everyone loves him as he is also a hugger and has the face is an angel, his peers can also be scared of him as he can flip out when people dont understand him, i am now considering taking him to a holliestic therpist to see it they can advise us, as at the moment we have no support from anyone unless its private, we are trying our best with our son but it can b extremly challenging so if anyone had any advice we will gladly take it on board as this is the first site i have see. About dyspraxia that we can relate to